The Secret of a Window Cleaner – Blog #9

This is a fictional short story written for college. As you may have guessed this had to be on the subject of a window cleaners secret ………

When I was asked to write a short story on this topic the first thing it brought to mind a film from the 1970’s called ‘Confessions of a Window Cleaner’. It was a bawdy comedy in the style of the ‘Carry On’ genre but with naked women in.

I write that trying to appear knowledgeable about this film, but in truth I’ve never seen it. But I’m working on the premise that you haven’t either so I can write any old nonsense about it and you wont be able to contradict me!

Well you could contradict me by reading about the film on Wikipedia, but I’m sure you have better things to do with your time, including getting that four thousand pound you owe me for that antique iphone that was excavated in my garden. This is of incredible historic significance as has been dated as once being owned by a Norman. ……… Norman Wisdom I believe!

Anyway, I digress! …… My dilemma when writing this was not to make it clichéd and anything like the sexist claptrap of the 1970’s film. … So my next thought was the George Formby song ‘When I’m Cleaning Windows’. Could I get inspiration from this perhaps? Unfortunately, the 1935 song by the gap toothed Lancastrian has the same, if a lot tamer, clichéd subject matter. So to seek originality for a tale about Window Cleaners secrets it was back to the old drawing board!

Think Gary think!! What secrets could our intrepid Window Cleaner have? What would be different? Well if he was anything like ours just cleaning the things properly would be a start! But that’s not really a secret is it! Unless he had patented a secret cleaning fluid that did actually make your windows gleam!!

Ok I’ll run with that see how it goes! Look I know I’m waffling but I’m not getting paid for this you know. My reward is half a Hot Cross bun and a cold cup of tea when writing this. So you could say I’m doing this for the love of the writing not any accolade!

Ok then here we go!

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Terry Abbott was an eccentric man! I’m not sure how but that’s what his wife Jean told me at the Thacklethewaite Milk & Window Cleaning Festival. I’ve no idea why she told me as I’d never met the women but I like to think I’m an approachable guy so I listened, smiled and then turned back to chat to my wife to continue our chat about when the DNA result comes back on Jeremy Kyle.

Terry’s wife, who I later found out was called Jean, was persistent and she tapped me on the shoulder and proudly told me of her husband had invented a cleaning fluid that left windows smear free.

I advised her that I was impressed with that but why tell me? After pausing for a while she responded

“Aren’t you that grey haired bloke off the tv show Dragon’s Den?”

“I haven’t got grey hair and no I’m not on Dragon’s Den!” I told her indignantly.

I turned back to chat to my wife but I was tapped again on the shoulder by Jean. She looked me in the eye and asked “Well could you lend us half a million pounds anyway to patent, develop and market this invention?!

I pulled out my wallet, opened it and gave her my Tesco’s Reward Card saying

“I think there is about that amount on there!.Fill your boots!”

“Blimey you must have had an expensive Christmas!” she said as she took the card with a big grin on her face. She then wandered off looking for the nearest Tesco! I only hope the £5 it really had on the card is suffice to get this Window Cleaners secret cleaning fluid onto the market.

As the woman walked away I shouted to her “Hey by the way what is the secret in the fluid that allows him to clean the windows so well?”

She stopped in her tracks, looked back at me and yelled “There isn’t one! He just cleans them properly instead at gawping into women’s bedroom windows!”

She then laughed at me and walked off with her ill gotten gains on my Tesco Card!.

Meanwhile, the next day on ‘Jeremy Kyle’ I had a shock when the DNA result of our son came back. … It was Terry the Window Cleaners !

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