Donald Where’s Your Troosers?!

I write this monologue sat bloated from the mammoth Sunday dinner I’ve just eaten at my parents. The roast beef dinner I’ve just seen off would have fed an army! Unfortunately for the 3rd Battalion the Lard Arse Regiment I ate it all before they turned up, so it won’t be feeding them! They’ll have to go with the vegetarian option!

The quality of the meat from my mum and dad’s local butcher is superb. They swear by their butcher Donald. He isn’t fond of the cursing, in particular being told “Give me a 3lb joint of silverside beef you tw@t!”, but they’re good customers so he turns a blind eye!

I don’t know Donald’s surname, but I’d like to think it’s Wheresyourtroosers! It probably isn’t though!

donald 2

Donald always provides them with a larger joint of beef than they ask for, which my dad Malcolm sees as great customer service. However, in reality he is still charged for the extra, so I think Mally is missing something! ……. And I don’t mean his good watch, which I stole when he took it off to wash up.

Our nearest butcher shop (not in a supermarket) is a couple of miles away! The meat there is more expensive than the supermarkets but, like Donald’s fare, the quality is better.

My dad is very competitive and always claims his local butcher is better than ours. He, therefore, was put out when I told him the blackboard outside our butchers, this week displayed ‘Quality meat! Far better than the shite Donald dishes up!’

Just before we left my parent’s home, Mally argued vehemently in defence of his butcher. However, I wasn’t having any of it as it’s all subjective in my opinion.

Both butchers establishments provide excellent quality food products. To be honest even if my dad is right and his butcher is better, I’ll have the last laugh when he tries to find his watch!

My old man and I don’t disagree often, but on the things we don’t agree upon we tend to be poles apart! He is very disapproving of creativity, especially from his offspring. He won’t countenance the fact creativity has any positive elements when it’s undertaken by his children. To quote him “I don’t see the point of it!”

Of course, he is entitled to his opinion, however, I vehemently disagree with him. I can’t speak for my siblings, but from my perspective I should have taken more risks and put my head above the parapet more frequently!

You never know, if I’d have taken that approach when I was younger I might have ended up in a career more suitable to my skill set!

However, I’m hoping it’s not too late to address this one day! Anyway, I’ve got too flaming serious again, so will move on swiftly! …….. Although, not before saying my dad is a thoroughly decent man and, like all of my family, I’d go to the ends of the earth for him!

In his defence he did take the time today to read one of my recent blogs, in which I reminisced about the 1970’s. He normally doesn’t bother, but he sat in his chair supportively reading all 800+ words. Hoping he’d enjoyed it, I was waited with bated breath as he handed me back my iPad.

After a short period of silence he told me “I see Ed ‘Stewpot’ Stewart (1970’s broadcaster) has died!” …….. He must have loved it!

It’s been eerily quiet in the dining area since we have returned home from my parents in Wakefield. The only noises are the tapping of the keys on my laptop, the gentle rattle of the central heating pump and the ticking of the watch I stole from my dad!

Karen is sat a few feet from me in a comfy chair reading her book. It is a weighty tome called ‘The Lakehouse’, which was a Christmas present from my son Jonny and his girlfriend Jenny

She says its an interesting book, although I reckon it would be better if she read it the right way up!

She loves reading and takes up much of her spare time attempting to broaden her literary knowledge. To be honest she’ll read any old crap, which is why I let her read my blogs before I publish them!

She has a very eclectic taste in literature. She particularly likes controversial, thought provoking reads. A piece of work that doesn’t pull punches, whilst raising important questions! ……….. She has just read Malcolm Strachan’s ‘Top Butchers In Leeds’ which was riddled with intrigue, violence, sadness and joints of silverside beef!

She has become a big fan of Malcolm Strachan’s work and hopes to move onto his latest work ‘Creativity – What’s the point?!’ shortly.

Thankfully, the vast amount of food I’d consumed is starting to digest, meaning I can now undo my laces and take my shoes off! ……. Until next time!




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