Filling Your Boots!

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The changeability of the great British weather was perfectly highlighted today, when at 11am in Leeds heavy snow started falling; only for three hours later there to be sunshine and predominantly clear paths and roads.

Throughout our metropolis there will be thousands of fed up kids currently on their trek home from school. At 11am today they would have been looking out of the classroom window ignoring Mr Shoes the Maths teacher, excitedly anticipating a tea time snowball fight, or building a snowman prior to darkness falling at around 5.30pm.

After this afternoon’s swift meteorological turnaround, instead it’ll be an early evening shielding their iPad screens from the low winter sun, while playing Grand Theft of Thrones, or whatever games kids play these days.

One person who was really feeling the cold during the snow flurries this morning was a friend (Mr Babbage) who I bumped into at Sainsburys, while food shopping. Despite the best attempts of the early March chill, he remained in the high spirits resultant from a recent sunshine break in Tenerife.

As we stood chatting with teeth chattering he “cheered me” with his anecdotes of indulgence during the seven day sun drenched sabbatical with his wife, on the island situated off the north west coast of Africa.

He was particularly glowing in his praise of the accommodation, which was situated close to one of the many volcanic black sand beaches that grace Tenerife. He couldn’t speak highly enough of it’s location, cleanliness and the good customer service of its staff.

I can’t tell you how much him telling me “I’d hate to have been here freezing my bollocks off, instead of the wall to wall sun we had last week!” raised my mood!

Being a chap who enjoys his food and drink, Mr Babbage made full use of the ‘All Inclusive’ status of the resort. Apparently, it was the first time he’d chosen this type of holiday package, and loved the concept of whenever he desired food or drink he could “fill his boots”.

I don’t wish to appear envious, but I’m not sure I’d want to stay at a hotel where food is served in footwear not on crockery! To me it seems unhygienic and impractical. I’ve heard of chicken in a basket, but not bolognaise in a brogue or soup in a sandal!

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He did have one or two gripes. Such as, despite the cornucopia of available refreshments, there wasn’t much evening entertainment on offer at the resort…… Well not unless you count watching him eat 10 burgers washed down with 12 pints of lager as entertainment!

When I expressed concerns about the health dangers of his overindulgent eating, he explained that to counter this risk he exercised every day, with a view of burning off the calories gained.

I asked if that was during a daily visit to the gym at the resort, to which he responded “No, I was back and forwards all day to the pool bar for drinks and snacks!…… I never stopped bloody walking all week!”

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Karen told me that throughout my chat with Mr Babbage the utter disdain over his gluttony was written all over my face! …… I knew having “You’re a fat greedy tw@t” tattooed on my forehead wasn’t a good idea!

To try and get away from tales of his gorging, I asked what else him and his wife did on their break, apart from eat and drink. Confusingly, he responded that on one day they’d visited the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

When I pointed out that the Leaning Tower of Pisa was thousands of miles away in north Italy, he replied that he knew that. Apparently the Leaning Tower of Pisa he referred to was an Italian themed restaurant at the resort!

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I was growing tired now of the stories from the pig trough so, in a bid to escape, I told Mr Babbage I needed to go pay for our weekly shop at the checkout, so that I could get the perishable food home and into the fridge.

Bearing in mind it was colder where we stood than a fridge, it was a rubbish excuse but I was starting to feel nauseous with his lamentable litany of lettuce dodging. So we wished each other well and moved ready to part!

As I started to push our trolley laden with food towards the checkout, Mr Babbage judgmentally pointed out  “That’s a trolley full, Gary! ……. Have you ever thought about addressing your excessive food intake?!”

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