What Would The Hairy Bikers Do?

It’s with a recycle bin full of wrapping paper and woeful cracker jokes, a fridge full of the remnants of Boxing Day’s buffet and a stomach full of various festive confectionery, that I start my first blog in a few days.

I’m so bloated I’ve not even broken into the large box of wine gums that sits tempting me a couple of feet away. I love the fruit flavoured gelatine pastels, yet this particular moth hasn’t yet been lured into their sugary flame.

I wish I could claim some kudos for this apparent act of self-discipline, however my abstinence thus far is not through choice but necessity. I’m terrified if I eat one of them I’ll explode like the elephantine, wafer thin mint eating, Mr Creosote in Monty Python’s Meaning of Life.

I’m in unchartered territory here.  I cannot recall ever being in possession of a bag/box of wine gums that have remained chaste for over 24 hours.

I once didn’t eat a Christmas Chocolate Orange within a few days of receiving the gift. However, I can’t claim that was the result of extraordinary restraint either. Moreover my brother Ian ate it before I had the chance to open it!…… The greedy get!

I’ve tried a few strategies to try retrieve my appetite so I can feast open this box of fruit gelatine heaven. These include previously tried and tested solutions such as bathing in Guinness, not eating 1kg of lard for breakfast and shouting to myself “Feel hungrier you pillock!”

This time, though, none of them have thus far been successful. Although, Irish acquaintances have commented on how much they like my new ‘aftershave’.

Think Gary, think!…. What would TV’s culinary kings and dietary gurus The Hairy Bikers do in this scenario? I’d wager Si and Dave wouldn’t sit idle while being taunted to open the box, like latter day Pandora’s in confrontation with temptation.

The jovial hirsute northerners would not let a small thing like feeling bloated interrupt their visit to confectionery utopia. They’d have had the thing opened, eaten all the red and black pastels and be biking to Stranraer town centre to make stovies as I write.

On reflection, I probably need to come out of my comfort zone and open the box without a thought for the consequences. After all, doing so wouldn’t be like Pandora misguidedly releasing all of the evils of the world with the opening of a container.

I’m not overly fond of the green gelatine sweets, but to class it as an evil of the world is pushing artistic licence to a fanciful and highly inaccurate level.

What would our Ian do in these circumstances?…… Probably eat them all while I wasn’t looking, like he did with my Terrys Chocolate Orange when we were kids!…… The gluttonous sod!

That being said, I hope if he did eat all my wine gums that it doesn’t affect him as bad as consuming wine does. If it did, not only will I have been deprived of my favourite sweets but I’d be down two ornaments and a chair.

Anyway, I’m going to stop torturing myself by looking at the wine gums box. I think I’ll go for a shower then venture up to Stranraer to make stovies with The Hairy Bikers.

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