Has Anyone Ever Told You…?

My week of exercise and healthy eating unceremoniously came off the rails yesterday evening. The willpower of yours truly, stoic foe of temptation over the previous seven days or so, conspicuous by it’s absence during a visit to Headingley cricket ground. An evening sojourn with a pal to witness the Yorkshire v Lancashire T20 Blast game.

All the ingredients were there to stress test my self-discipline. For instance, my mate Mike and I had to walk past St Michaels Fisheries on our stroll to the ground. Like a mythical mermaid luring sailors to their rocky demise, the aroma of a fish and chip takeaway never fails to render my resistance ineffectual.

Meaning at around 4.45pm my buddy and me joined a large queue waiting to buy a fish and chip supper. Both of us deeming it as a perfect starter to the main course of watching cricket and drinking beer.

Ordinarily, when you’re watching your fat intake, fish and chips wouldn’t be your ‘go to’ meal. Although this flavoursome meal has a place in my heart (the arteries) it doesn’t have a place on my new dietary menu. That mattered not yesterday though, or indeed most other times I walk past a fish restaurant, as temptation prevailed over resolve.

fish and chips

After our hearty supper, Mike and I set off down St Michaels Lane towards Headingley Stadium. On arrival at the ground, to my surprise I bumped into my son Jonny and his mates queuing for beer behind the west stand. It wasn’t a surprise to see my boy, just the fact he’s got mates!

Seriously, though, I was shocked to see Jonny as I had no idea he was attending yesterday evening’s War of the Roses cricket game. Seeing my lad enhanced an already decent night; he greeted me with his trademark smile, to which I responded with my trademark growl. The dialogue that followed went something like this:-

Jonny (chirpily) – “What are you doing here, dad?”

Me (sarcastically) – “I was going to the opera, but took the wrong turn on Vicar Lane and ended up here!….. I’ve come to watch the cricket. Why else would I be here, you berk?!”

Jonny (caringly) – “I thought you were watching what you ate and drink.”

Me (tongue-in-cheek) – “I’m not tonight. Mike’s gonna watch what I eat and drink, instead!”

Jonny (jokingly) – “I don’t think the 5-a-day recommended by nutritionists means pints of beer, dad!”

Me (trying to re-assure) – “Don’t worry, I won’t be having five pints, Jonny.”

Jonny – “So you’re still showing some self restraint then?”

Me (tongue-in-cheek) – “No, I’m gonna have seven!”

Jonny (sensibly changing subject) – “What’s you’re prediction for tonight then, dad?”

Me (meteorologically) – “I don’t know about the cricket result, but looking at those nimbus clouds I predict it’ll p*ss it down at some point.”

Jonny (surprised)“I didn’t know you knew so much about clouds!”

Me (with honesty) – “I don’t really, apart from knowing that every one has a silver lining.”

Jonny (changing the subject again) – “Has anyone ever told you you’re getting a right fat b*****d, dad?”

Me (philosophically) – “Yes!”

Jonny – “Good. I just wanted to check……. Where are you sitting?”

Me“Our seats are in the fancy dress section of the Western Terrace.”

Jonny (tongue-in-cheek) – “Who have you come as?….. Susan Boyle’s arse?”

Me“No….. Jamie Cullum’s piano stool!”

Jonny (revenging my earlier silliness) – “Well you do look like a stool, but not of the piano kind!”

Me“I’m your dad. You should show more respect!”

Jonny“Has anyone ever told you you’re getting a right fat b*****d, dad?”

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