Uninvited, unexpected, unwelcome and under our skin, heavy snow is once again ‘gracing’ the populace of West Yorkshire.

Woken by my spouse Karen’s singing as she ironed, this morning I jumped out of bed to be greeted yet again by a carpet of snowflakes…… It’s no good, I’m going to have to get that flaming roof fixed!

I’ll also have to request the missus stops ironing in my bedroom…… Or, if she insists utilised the chamber for the pressing of clothes, desist from singing if it’s 6am and I’m asleep.

Last week’s inclement weather was dubbed ‘The Beast from the East’ after it’s source direction. On social media todays more localised disruptive weather front had been labelled ‘The Pest from the West’.

I’m intrigued by this latest fad of coining a nickname for weather fronts based on the direction from whence they manifest. This curiosity causing me to mull over what appropriate word meaning nuisance or powerful would be utilised to name severe metrological conditions from both north and south.

What rhyming nickname could be possibly bestowed upon heavy snow from the north? Likewise from a southern source? Misguidedly, I spent an unhealthily long time thinking of possible monikers for disruptive fronts manifesting themselves from the polar opposite directions.

North East South West Signpost Showing Travel Or Direction

Sadly, thus far it’s been a fruitless exercise on my part. The best epiphanies being the woeful efforts of ‘The Korth of The North’ and ‘The Strouth of The South’.

Not only aren’t the ideas tepid, but with Korth being a firearms manufacturer and Strouth a facial gesture men make when leering at a passing lady, they’re both wholly unsuitable.

My next best efforts were the equally inept ‘Poison Dwarf from the North’ and ‘Potty Mouth from the South’. However, I remain confident in my creative wherewithal, deeming this current paucity of epiphanies as a mere blip.

I’ve found from the experience of penning these monologues, if I’m struggling on the ideas front I take a break from the writing process. Confident that when I return to it later a metaphorical switch ordinarily gets flicked. The resultant ‘light bulb moment’ one of such artistic substance it’ll raise accolades from my readership of “That was nearly funny, Gary!” and “Can you buy chinchilla food at Tescos?”

Today, I’d intended to undertake preparatory spring lawn work at my mum’s place. Graft involving the raking of dead blades of grass, allowing more space for the thriving greenery to flourish throughout the year.

Alas this unexpected covering of snow has rendered my decision to carry out the task today, instead of my original plan of yesterday, as misguided.

That being said, it’s not the worst piece of decision-making ever made. The consequences of my foolhardy procrastination not as serious as that of UK band Ultravox in 1981. The year in which they released their splendid song Vienna concurrently to Joe Dolce’s less than splendid novelty single Shutuppa Ya Face – Robbing them of a seemingly certain number one hit that year.

To conclude the narrative, I wanted to share the more appropriate rhyming meteorological offerings I’ve just unearthed:- ‘The Mesomorph From The North’**, along with ‘The Saboath From The South’***…….. I thank you!!

** – For the unitiated, mesomorph apparently means robust, muscular.

*** – Saboath is used to describe armies in the New Testament (Book of Romans).


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